Grief
Today I am having a lovely cup of Irish Breakfast tea...because I need some soothing. My dearest friend's father died recently and I have been revisiting my own grief.
People say the most stupid shit! Especially when they are talking to someone who is experiencing grief.
I have written a piece about my grandfather...you can read it here.
When my grandfather died, people said the most stupid, idiotic, insensitive things that made me absolutely crazy. In truth, they made me angry.
"You will be alright."
"Sorry he died."
"He is in heaven now."
"He is better off now."
"He is not in pain now."
"You shouldn't grieve for him."
"You should celebrate his life."
"You should be happy he is with God."
"You shouldn't cry, he is happy now."
"He lived a good life."
"He had a great life."
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
There were a barrage of these messages for days and days.
The phrases that really chapped my ass were from "good christian folk." (I use a lower case "c" for a reason.)
"We should not grieve. We should be celebrating the joy of his life and the promise of God."
"The Bible tells us he is with the Father and it is His will."
Etc...etc...etc.
These really pissed me off.
How dare you even suggest that I should not grieve! How dare you even suggest that I should celebrate! How fucking unaware are you of the realities of the human condition?! The very Bible you throw at me as a reason to not grieve my loss actually says...wait for it...
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (I have put some text in bold to make a point)
For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
Stick that in your self-righteous pie hole...maybe it will prevent you from spewing crap and judgement at people in a time of sadness!
There was only one message I received that meant anything to me...and it changed me..
About a week after my grandfather's funeral...I saw a woman at church. When we made eye contact, she came straight to me. In her eyes I could tell that she recognized it was me, knew that my grandfather had died and that she wanted to say something to me. I braced myself for another stupid, cliche phrase. She wrapped her arms around me and she whispered in my ear.
"No one knows what you are feeling. They just don't know what to say."
She stepped back, looked into my eyes one more time, and then walked away.
Those two simple, authentic sentences caused me to completely break.
The words that people had been saying to me made me angry because...
"You will be alright" - Of course I will be alright, but I don't want to be alright without him.
"Sorry he died." - Did you cause it?
"He is in heaven now." - He is not HERE now!
"He is better off now." - Because being with his family was such shit?
"He is not in pain now." - Duh!
"You shouldn't grieve for him." - Are you fucking kidding me? I shouldn't grieve for the loss of one of the most precious people in my life? Fuck you!
"You should celebrate his life." - I want to celebrate with him, not without him. And, I don't feel like celebrating right now you insensitive cow!
"You should be happy he is with God." - You should be happy I don't punch you in the mouth.
"You shouldn't cry, he is happy now." - I will cry whenever I want and I hope you are never happy again.
"He lived a good life." - Statement of the obvious...I just wish he was still living.
"He had a great life." - Statement of the obvious...I just wish he was still living.
"I'm so sorry for you loss." - You clearly have zero empathy skills now go away before I knock you to the ground.
But..."No one knows what you are feeling."
I finally felt that someone recognized that my grief...my pain...my loss...it was unique to me and to my grandfather. That no one else in the world was experiencing exactly what I was experiencing. This woman's delivery let me know that what I was experiencing was okay. That where I was in grief was something no one else could understood, and that it was really okay that maybe I didn't even understand.
"They just don't know what to say."
Oh! They are not stupid...or ignorant...or insensitive...or mean... They don't have the experience or the vocabulary or awareness to open their mouths and say something authentic to me. Their words are for themselves. They will feel better by saying something..."I have expressed something, so my work here is done."
"No one knows what you are feeling. They just don't know what to say."
I cling to these two sentences. I have filtered my experiences with people while grieving through these two sentences. They have helped me more than anything else.
They have given me perspective. I still get irritated at people, but I realize they just don't know what to say and they are saying things for self-serving, but not hurtful, reasons. So I try to let it go...realizing that it was not about, or for, me.
I still get extremely angry at the conservative crazies...that is one issue I have not been able to figure out or perceive in any other manner. But, I am still working on it.
I will never forgot those words. I will never forget the acknowledgement in that woman's eyes. She acknowledged my pain...my grief. And she let me know my pain and grief were okay. She acknowledged me...and let me know she knew...and she was not capable or interested in "fixing" it...that she would just exist in the confusion and sadness with me.
And while it was not a part of the content specifically, she let me know I would not feel this way forever. She let me know it was my time timeline, there were no rules, and to ignore all the other shit from people.
I think she single-handedly gave me the permission and the space to grieve without judgement or expectation.
I have said these two sentences to so many people over the years. Some of those people have reached out to me to tell me it was the kindest and most helpful thing anyone had said to them.
And being me...I have studied these sentences...examined them...tested them. And I have found them to be the most authentic and honest of truths.
I think it is only right that you borrow these two sentences from this lovely, truly authentic woman...use them if you like. I know she wouldn't mind.
Authenticity is about looking at ourselves and our experience, and looking at another person's individuality and experience and truly searching for, and constructing, messages that are customized to the both of you.
Stop saying stupid and generic shit to people!
Just sayin'
