Did you love her?
I taught the entry level Communication class at Texas State University for about 25 years. Good ole COMM 1310. I really loved teaching that course!
I had to quit teaching a couple of years back because my acting career hit a high point as I was going to head out for a National Tour (giddy squealing!!!).
This class at Texas State is SO great! It covers basic human communication theory...interpersonal comms...small group...public speaking...teaching at the university where I earned my B.A. and M.A. was such a thrill!
Since the class focuses on communication and since my style of teaching is highly interactive, I always started the first class with an overview of the course and then I literally announced “amnesty night.” The students could ask me any questions they wanted to with no repercussions. I told them that to get the most of this class, we would be talking about real life...what was going in theirs...what was going on in mine. And I felt it was only fair for me to set the tone in terms of disclosing. I tried very hard to create an atmosphere where we could really talk and explore communication styles, strategies, and approaches together.
So...first night...ask me whatever you want.
The questions always started about the same way.
“How hard do you grade?”
“I hear the tests are hard, is that true?”
“Are we expected to come to every class?”
...Hard...Depends...Yes...
In reality, I followed each of those answers with explanations...with my charm and charisma (not-so-sheepish grin).
When the students started to see that I was serious about answering their questions as fully and honestly as possible, they started to wade into the more personal stuff.
“Where are you from?”
“Why do you teach this class?”
“Do you like teaching?”
I would answer and disclose and engage.
Now, inevitably I would ld have to encourage them to get more personal. I didn’t have to do this, but I felt it was a way for me to build some trust...after all, I knew we were headed to public speaking. Which remains a number one fear for people! If I can demonstrate that I can be vulnerable with them and survive, then maybe they will hang in with me as I help them survive the dreaded speeches.
I would eventually say “come on...get to the good stuff...what do you really want to know about me?”
There was always at least one brave student who would blurt out a personal question...fast enough that they hoped I wouldn’t be able to identify them too quickly.
“Are you married?”
“Do you have kids?”
“What are your political beliefs?”
“Do you believe in God?”
And I would answer. I would be honest...as authentic as possible.
My last few semesters I was teaching a special version of COMM 1310 in the Honors College. And on the first night after asking “what do you want to know about me?” - I got the following question.
“Are you gay?”
Now, usually it took some time for everyone to warm up...but these honor students weren’t messing around.
So I told them that yes, I am gay.
“But you mentioned earlier that you have two kids? Are they adopted?”
I explained that my children are not adopted. They are my biological children.
“How did that happen?”
I answered that I was pretty sure biology was still required in high schools and they should know the answer to that question. They laughed...whew.
Then...
“But seriously...how did that happen?”
I knew what they meant. So I explained.
Summary: I was a young man raised in the Southern Baptist church. And I was trying to get into heaven. And I met this amazing young woman and we got married.
“But did you love her?”
These honors students were REALLY not messing around.
“Yes. I loved her.”
...a quiet moment while they reflected...
“Are you divorced from her?”
“Yes.”
“Do you still love her?”
I heard myself say out loud...”I will always love her.”
And here’s the deal. That is 100% true.
I met her in college. She was this fierce, intelligent, outspoken woman. I thought she was amazing. We dated...got engaged...got married...struggled with infertility...and then miraculously had these two great kids.
It fell apart. There were many reasons. It got ugly...then it got better...then it got ugly...then it got better. And then over coffee one day we agreed that we were always better friends than spouses. And why should we lose that?
That is, of course, a gross over-simplification of the process. But a damn good summary.
We had many years together...many memories...lots of laughs. There were certainly some bad times. Lots of time I would just as soon forget. Lots of things to regret...and a WHOLE lot of anger and resentment. But those times do not comprise the whole.
We have both evolved. We have both grown. We have both recovered from things.
She is an advocate of mine. She has stood up for me to close-minded former friends and family. She has navigated the very tricky waters of having a gay, ex-husband.
She is my friend. And I cherish that...immensely.
Do I still love her?
I always will.
Just sayin’
